I don't know how to tell you that I need you to listen, need you to be there.
I don't know how to explain to you that no, I'm not being dramatic; I just need you.
I don't want to tell you how much it hurts, not when I'm pushing the hurt away, not when I don't want to face it, not when I can't bear to face the truth.

I can only confess to a violent fragility that seems to encompass everything. 
Why do you believe I am some soulless creature, some heartless being who feels nothing? I feel. I have feelings, if numbed. I can't tell you how hard it is to function, how empty and emaciatedI've begun to look in the mirror, how easily you shatter my defences. It sickens me, yes it does. I don't need to feel this way, but I do as well, maybe as validation for something I have yet to figure out.

Continue functioning, that's the only thing I can do. Keep moving forward and attempt to show the rest of the world that I'm a normal human being. Crack a smile here, a small smirk there and everyone's happy. Right? Because everything is so right with the world.

Oh, fuck me. I need to build walls again.
 

Things are more complicated than they seem at this current point and I have no idea on what to do.
At least there's only a couple more days until Raya, which means that I'll be in much better mood.

Right, right.

Get a hold of yourself. Breathe, yeah you remember how to do that, right? Inhale, hold, exhale. Deep breaths. It's not worth going into a mad panic attack.

But what if it is?

He said he finally realised how much I love him. Which, admittedly is a lot. He's so deeply ingrained into my heart that I fear I'll go into spasms from the sheer mush of it all. Stupid. I'm just stupid, aren't I? Hah. Stabbity stabbity stab. Trust me when I say that I think I might die from the sheer intensity of it all. He's patient enough to deal with my outbursts (something not many people can do) and yet sane enough to tell me to shut up and calm down when I'm being totally irrational. Not everyone's so tolerant.

I miss him when he's not around, when I don't hear his voice and I hate how he makes me feel. He's never going to feel for me what I feel for him! He's like oxygen, dammit. Fuck this. I mean, fall for someone who might never feel as strongly as you? No balance, where's the equilibrium. I could cry from the depression of it all. Break, reform, break, reform. Endless cycle.

I need you, do you need me?

Learn from fact, not fiction.

My 'r' key isn't working properly, which means that it takes twice as much effort to press it at times. How annoying, given that some of my favourite words start with R or have the letter r in them.
 

Remain optimistic, and watch your heart and hopes get stomped on.
Like fuck you care, right?

I'm just being selfish. Go away.

Meme to get things off your mind? Totally.

1. The last person to tag you was...?
 Arif Omar Lee

2. Your relationship with him/her...?
He's my classmate, he's alright.

3. Your 5 impression towards him/her ?
i. interesting
ii. conversationalist
iii. loud. very loud.
iv. sarcastic
v. intelligent

4. The most memorable thing that he/she has ever done for you ?
Provided sane conversation.

5. The most memorable words that he/she has say to you ?
[ I'm sorry Arif, nothing comes to mind at the moment ]

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will...
Be shocked beyond belief.

7. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will...
Be annoyed. And mildly despondent.

8. If he/she becomes your lover, he/she has to improve on...
I don't know? He's alright the way he is now.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason is...
He somehow achieved 100 on every single English test. Or, got something published.

10. The most desirable things to do for him/her is...
Help him however I can?

11. Overall impression towards him/her is...
This very tall, Chinese-Malay guitarist/basketballer with a sarcastic sense of humour.

12. How do you think the people around you will feel about you ?
Bitch, bitch, hyperactive, drama queen, attention whore, bitch, bitch. :D kthxpls

13. The character for you for yourself is ?
Weird and petite librarian with an odd sense of humour and messy hair.

14. On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is ?
A tendency to be overemotional.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is ?
The opposite of invisible.

16. For the person who cares and likes you, say something about them.
Hey you, love you.

17. Who I Tag;
i. Vivian
ii. Alya
iii. Zoe
iv. Sophie
v. Alia Athira
vi. Farah Amalina
vii. Ili
viii. Danial

18. Who is number 2 having a relationship with ? [ Alya ]
No relationship, but wants someone.

19. Is 3 a male or a female ? [ Zoe ]
Quite obviously female. *coughs*

20. If number 5 and 7 got together, would that be a good thing ? [ Alia + Ili ]
Unless Alia suddenly developed pedophilia and lesbianism, it's unlikely to happen.

21. How about 5 and 8 ? [ Alia + Danial ]
They don't even know each other, so no.

22. What is number 1 studying about ? [ Vivian ]
PMR. Which is what I should be studying instead of procrastinating.

23. When was the last time you had a chat with them ? [ Vivian ]
An hour ago.

24. Is number 4 single ? [ Sophie ]
Mhm. And mildly unhappy about it.

25. Say something about number 2. [ Alya ]
Wanna sing some random Disney song in class again?

Damn you for doing this.

Can't you tell me what's going on before I get interrogated and bag-searched by prefects? Stop being vague and let me in. I want to know, to help.

I aspire to be the most important person in someone's life. Just one person. I wonder how happy I'd be if something like that were to happen.

You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
- This Is Me; Demi Lovato ft. Joe Jonas

It would seem that good karma's not in the stars today.

This is where I beg you to listen to me.

I don't know if I'll make it through today, don't know if I'll make it through the rest of this month, the rest of the year. I don't know if I can survive because I know that the lack of sleep is killing me. Every day just seems to bring new pains, new things to worry about, new phobias to develop. Another stabbing pain in my chest, a physical ache that I know shouldn't exist. Do you know how it feels to have your heart feel like it's breaking? Hearts can't break, at least not in a physical sense. I shouldn't feel this, because I thought I had closed myself off emotionally - just so that I wouldn't hurt so much.

In a way, I guess I can say that it's partially your fault that I'm feeling more human again. I can feel like I don't have to hide how I feel, but with that, I feel much more vulnerable. I feel like I'm open for attack, more susceptible to damage from the most minor of things. Hah. My heart? It's just collateral damage, right? I mean, come on. I thought I was invincible, or at least I hoped I was. I built myself up so high, strengthened my defenses so that no one could get to me. Even so, I guess I never anticipated bringing myself down.

Here, I tell you that I love you. Reluctantly. Shouting it out to the heavens just isn't something I do. I find it hard to tell anyone that I love them, in fact, because although I can use pet names with an unnerving ease, or tell someone that I love them in jest - saying it for real and meaning it with the ferocity of a thousand suns is something completely different. You see me. I mean, you really see me. You can see through the layers upon layers I impose upon myself and see the actual person that I am, whether it's the incredibly overemotional and high strung control freak or that whole playful and affectionate side of me that I only seem to show to you. I can count on one hand the number of people who can see me the way you do.

I'm always so worried of what you think of me. I know that you're like me and that I'm like you. We both wear masks to hide what we really are and we actually consciously repress certain aspects of ourself because we know that it'd be detrimental to our surroundings. That being said, the fact that we repress so much means that we don't really say what we think. I don't want to lose you, and the fact that I'm never really sure of what you're thinking is ultimately terrifying. Of course, relationships are hard, and I'm afraid I'm out of practice. Really, what I've had are infatuations and flings. Some are just for the sake of being with someone. Numerous crushes? Never materialised into actual relationships, so they don't count. I believe that other than one other relationship, I've never really had someone quite like you.

Digressing to my original point, it's not you who're breaking my heart. Do you know how scared I am of breaking your heart? I mean, on some days I believe that it's not that I'm not engineered to love, it's just that I love too much. Maybe I'm a little too exuberant? I don't know. I'm afraid I'll say something or do something increasingly stupid and suddenly, you'll just turn around and tell me that I'm much too fickle or weird or controlling or something like that and then you won't be around anymore. That single, solitary fear just festers and worms its way into the cracks all the way to the point where I think I'm going to break. You have no clue how much I look forward to Friday mornings when you come into the library, or seeing you after school; even if it's just for 10 minutes. A little obsessive, it's true.

So, remember that time when we were talking about what K said to you? He told you to guard your heart because he didn't want to see you getting hurt like he did. You told me that you rarely listen to advice, especially when it comes to romance and besides, you'd already fallen head over heels for me. I wonder, do you still feel like that?

We're only teenagers, and they say that we're hormonal and we know nothing. To hell with that belief. I know exactly how this feels and I don't care what they say. Sure, they might say that I'm selfish and that I'm just this attention-seeking whore but I am in love.

On those days when you just don't know what to do, maybe you could just say something, anything. Reassure me that you're not going anywhere, that you're not going to just up and leave. We'll make the time we have together last. I mean, sure, anyone can say that they're in love. Can they show it?

Can you just do that one thing for me?